Books. Everyone loves them, right? Just look at all the people who sit on public transport with their noses buried in a book; mobile phones discarded at the bottom of their bags. It’s the perfect time to publish a book and to base your financial security on the ongoing rude health of the print industry, so that’s what I’ve flipping well done.

illustrated-history-of-football-front

As the title imaginatively suggests, the book looks back at the history of football, over the course of 90 cartoons (one for every minute of the next England game, if you’re a fast reader). It’s out in the shops on 3rd November and you can pre-order a copy from Amazon or, if you don’t fancy paying a delivery fee, via The Book Depository.

I’ve already put a deposit down for a swimming pool, so please buy it.

2016 European Championships

Posted: October 22, 2016 in Euro 2016, Football

Unless you were Portuguese or Welsh, this was a slog. However, it did provide plenty of cartoon material (a special mention of thanks to England). Here’s what I drew for The Guardian during the tournament…

Preview:

euro-preview

The tournament literally kicking off:

euros-part-1

England v Wales

england-v-wales

More group stage fun:

21-june-roundup

Group stage review

group-stage-review

England v Iceland:

iceland-v-england

Quarter-Finals Preview

qf-preview

Quarter-Finals Review

quarter-final-review

Portugal and France reaching the final:

semi-finals

The Final:

final-review

2015-16 Premier League Cartoons

Posted: October 22, 2016 in Football

Here’s a selection of cartoons I drew for The Guardian during the 2015-16 season. You can peruse the whole back catalogue here: https://www.theguardian.com/profile/david-squires

Jose Mourinho and Eva Caneiro (August 2015)

carneiro-v2

Football under Jeremy Corbyn (September 2015)

corbyn

The Dark Arts of Diego Costa (September 2015)

costa

A Tribute to Howard Kendall (October 2015)

howard-kendall

Remembrance Day and football (November 2015)

poppies

A Brief History of Sulking (December 2015) – featuring the first appearance of Janet.

sulking

John Terry leaves Chelsea! (February 2016) – except, he doesn’t, the big tease.

john-terry

Tribute to Trifon Ivanov (February 2016) – God I loved that Bulgaria side.

trifon-ivanov

Manchester United and Liverpool meet in the Europa Cup (March 2016)

man-utd-v-liverpool

Tribute to Johan Cruyff (March 2016) – by now, we were all getting an inkling of what a shitty year this was going to be.

johan-cruyff

Jamie Vardy’s red card for diving (April 2016)

vardy

Leicester City win the Premier League (May 2016) – Leicester!

leicester-win-the-prem

Champions League Final Review (May 2016)

ucl-final-review

 

 

 

As the A-League hibernated for its ridiculously long six-month off-season, I turned my attention to other sports and worked with Guardian Australia on a series to look back at some historic moments in the nation’s glittering sport history. Here are a few of them:

The first Kangaroos tour of Great Britain (1908)

kangaroos-tour

Nicky Winmar takes a stand against the racists (1993)

afl-indigenous-round

Shane Warne’s Ball of the Century (1993)

ball-of-the-century

Australia win The Americas Cup (1983)

americas-cup

The Super League Wars  (1994-1998)

super-league-war

The Socceroos qualify for the World Cup (2005)

socceroos-2005

Steven Bradbury wins a gold medal at the Winter Olympics (2002)

steven-bradbury

Australia at the Olympics (1896-2016)

australia-at-the-olympics

You can see the full series here: https://www.theguardian.com/profile/david-squires

 

2015-16 A-League cartoons

Posted: October 22, 2016 in Football

Here’s a selection often cartoons I drew throughout the last A-League season. They’re packed full of cultural references that made sense a year ago and will bewilder anyone living outside of Australia. Hooray!

  1. The FFA Cup Final (October 2015). Cartoonists are the only people who miss Tony Abbott.

ffa-cup-final

2. The Very Hungry Grub (October 2015). This one came about after a high-ranking official within the Police Association of NSW likened Western Sydney Wanderers fans to grubs:

wsw-grub

3. A-League supporter protests (November 2015). After The Daily Telegraph released the names and pictures of a number of fans who had received banning orders, Australian football went into meltdown. At one stage, a number of ‘active fan groups’ staged boycotts and walkouts. Here’s how I saw the response from other interested parties:

reaction

4. Code Wars (December 2015). As football and its supporters continued to be demonised by certain sections of the media, a new Star Wars film was released, providing me with the perfect opportunity to combine the two and to draw some stormtroopers. This is probably my favourite cartoon and was great fun to draw.

code-wars

5. Referees doing post-match interviews (January 2016). All hail the lizard men.

referees

6. Flares (February 2016). The issue of flares is never far from the headlines in Australia. When Western Sydney Wanderers fans let off a load of them during a match against Melbourne Victory, play was suspended and all hell broke loose.

wsw-flares

7. The Unstoppable Rise of Adelaide United (March 2015). After being bottom of the league in the early part of the season, Adelaide went on a long unbeaten run, which would eventually see them finishing top.

adelaide

8. The Phantom Commissioner (March 2015). The Daily Telegraph printed a preposterous claim that Football Federation Australia were going to appoint a mysterious hero to lurk in the shadows and watch for crowd misbehaviour.

the-phantom-commissioner

9. Depp and Heard (April 2015). Johnny Depp and Amber Heard were forced to make a video apology for smuggling their pet dogs (Pistol and Boo) into Australia. I considered how a similar video might have encouraged people to attend A-League matches. At the time, this was an innocent story about quarantine avoidance, but has since taken on a darker tone with the revelations that Johnny Depp is a shit.

depp-and-heard

10. End of season round-up (May 2015)

grand-final-review

You can see the full back catalogue of my Grauniad cartoons here: https://www.theguardian.com/profile/david-squires

2014-15 Guardian Cartoons

Posted: August 5, 2015 in Football

A few months into the 2014-15 football season, I was invited to produce a weekly cartoon for the good people at The Guardian. Here are a few of the cartoons I created over the course of the campaign, and you can see the full series here.

Sepp Blatter – self-proclaimed mountain goat – finally came a cropper (or at least, that’s how it seemed in May):

blatter goat

Also in May, Britain braced itself for a General election:

election specialv2

Chipping Norton won the election, but Chelsea won the Premier League, here’s my heartfelt tribute:

Chelsea Champions

Chelsea also managed to win the League Cup Final, which was previewed here:

league cup

Spurs lost the final, but they could console themselves with the arrival of a new saviour:

HarryKane

In the FA Cup, the fourth round produced a number of dramatic shocks. Chelsea were knocked out by Bradford, Man City lost at home to Middlesbrough, Man Utd could only draw at Cambridge Utd and some other things happened too:

fa cup 4th round

Seriously, Dennis Wise’s hair has to be seen to be believed. Also featured there is Steven Gerrard, who announced his intention to leave Liverpool halfway through the season:

Steve and Brendan

Things weren’t going smoothly at Newcastle either, where supporters vented their frustration at owner Mike Ashley:

newcastlev2

Ashley also makes a small cameo in this cartoon about the Premier League’s new TV deal, in which Richard Scudamore channels Jordan Belfour:

tv deal

Around this time, our old friend Sepp Blatter announced that the 2022 Qatar World Cup would be played in winter:

qatar2022 v2

On a cheerier note, Manchester United’s manager, Louis Van Gaal, ended the season on a rousing note at the club’s annual awards night:

LVG speech

I’ll be back with more cartoons on the 2015-16 season, thanks for reading!

As some of you may know, I live in Australia. Famously, there are lots of nice things about living here. Two of those nice things are:

  1. A vibrant football culture
  2. A political class than provides a cornucopia of comic material. Seriously, cartoonists here can’t draw quickly enough.

I tried to combine both in a series of cartoons I produced for The Guardian Australia towards the end of the last A-League season.

Firstly, this cartoon was a result of the startling news that Kevin Muscat had been named as captain of the A-League ‘Team of the Decade’. Thankfully, this is only a ceremonial title, so Kev won’t get the chance to break anyone’s shins:

muscat v2

To be fair to Muscat, he did manage to steer/terrify his Melbourne Victory side to the A-League Grand Final, where they would face Sydney FC:

grand final

Melbourne Victory cruised to a 3-0 win in the final, but Sydney could console themselves with a pair of high-profile friendlies against Spurs and Chelsea:

Sydney friendlies

The new A-League season starts up in October, so hopefully I’ll be able to do a few more of these, if only to relieve the pressure on overworked local cartoonists.

2014/15 season

Posted: September 6, 2014 in Football

Here’s a collection of drawings from the 2014/15 season.

November

England beat Scotland in a friendly in Glasgow, but it was their fans who made the headlines with their repertoire of songs:

bantheband0001

October

The month began with a touchline confrontation between Jose Mourinho and Arsene Wenger, who shall henceforth be known as The Mantis:

wenger the mantis0001

Or at least, he will be in my living room.

Roy Keane and his impressive beard also found themselves back in the media spotlight as the second installment of Keane’s acerbic autobiography was released. Here he lays down the law:

keane paddlin0001

Raheem Sterling was the focus of negative attention when he was rested for an England match, having apparently complained of tiredness. Chief among his critics was Alan Shearer, who stated that the ‘working man’ would be furious:

sterling0001

However, attention was soon diverted to Sterling’s Liverpool colleague Mario Balotelli, who committed the cardinal sin of swapping shirts with Real Madrid’s Pepe at half time during a heavy defeat at Anfield. Poor old Mario was only following instructions though,

balo final

Arsene Wenger found himself on the end of some probing questions on Match of the Day. Not something he’s really accustomed to:

wenger motd0001

West Ham had a good month, typified by a home win over Manchester City, during which they were graced with the presence of a special visitor.

brand0001

September

Images from England v Norway set to the lyrics of ‘The Dead Flag Blues’ by Godspeed You! Black Emperor:

norway0001

Later in the month, Manchester United came unstuck against newly-promoted Leicester. Things were not going according to Louis Van Gaal’s plans:

3520001

August

Pre-season brought the news that Steven Gerrard had decided to step down as England captain. However, every problem presents a solution (it doesn’t), and here was mine:

gerrard0001

Crystal Palace parted ways with their manager, Tony Pullis, just days before the Premier League season kicked off. Thankfully, it was all part of a broader strategy:

steve parish0001

Palace thought they had a replacement lined up in Malky Mackay, but those paragons of equity, The Daily Mail, broke the news of a series of offensive text messages sent between Mackay and Palace’s Iain Moody:

daily mail0001

The League Mangers’ Association (LMA) jumped to the defence of Mackay, stating that the offending text messages had simply been “banter”, which I have nominated as word of the month.

banter0001

Despite that unpleasantness, everyone was delighted that football had returned:

the 72 in safe hands0001

The Football League is clearly in safe hands, but what of the Premier League? Before the season started, Chief Executive Richard Scudamore addressed criticism about high ticket prices:

scudamore0001

Much was expected of Manchester United under their new manager, Louis van Gaal. However, they got off to a bad start with a 2-1 home defeat by Swansea. During the match, television cameras captured the moment when Ashley Young caught a mouthful of bird poo. An occurrence that wasn’t quite as coincidental as it first appeared:

moyes0001

It was an uncomfortable month for Manchester United, the nadir of which was losing 4-0 at MK Dons in the League Cup. Who could argue that the MK Dons story really was a fairy tale:

franchise2

Still, Van Gaal retained his sense of humour and was more than happy to indulge in the latest charity craze sweeping through social media:

icechallenge0001

As the month ended, the transfer window closed. QPR’s transfer policy is explained here:

qpr transfer policy0001

Transfer Deadline Day has become something of an event for Sky Sports News, who have taken to sending reporters to training ground car parks across the land. At Everton, their reporter had his live broadcast interrupted by a supporter pushing a purple sex toy into his ear; a career-defining moment.

ssn0001

Bullshit Rodeo 2

Posted: August 6, 2014 in Football

 

bullshitrodeo2

Yes, it’s the time of year for disappointing sequels. I’ve thrown in more explosions and a gratuitous sex scene too. I know my audience.

enable macros!

 

World Cup Draw(ings)

Posted: June 28, 2014 in Football, World Cup 2014

Here’s a collection of some of the drawings I did as I  watched the 2014 World Cup. As World Cups go, it was a good one, and more importantly, provided plenty of comic material (and that was just Brazil)

The build-up

Pressure was building for FIFA President, Sepp Blatter before the tournament, but he had the situation under control:

Image

 

However, the excitement mounted as he arrived in Sao Paulo for the opening ceremony:

Image

Those troublesome questions just wouldn’t go away, but, as ever, Sepp had a solution:

Image

 

The group stage

Thankfully, the tournament had got off to a great start, meaning I was able to stop relying on Star Wars parodies. Spain provided some early entertainment, with a performance that rolled back the years and reminded us all of a time when they were amusing underachievers. They lost 5-1 to the Netherlands, with Robin Van Persie scoring the pick of the bunch with a remarkable diving header from distance:

Image

Group C was a toughie. Spain and the Netherlands were joined by Chile and Australia. I thought that the Aussies would be in for a turbulent time, so produced this helpful accessory for Socceroos supporters:

Image

However, despite losing all three games, Australia played bravely and went home with their pride intact. The same probably couldn’t be said of Spain, but I couldn’t get my hands on an Air Iberia sick bag.

England, meanwhile, did their standard thing of running around a lot to little effect, but found themselves in a tougher group than usual and went out. They played okay in their defeat to Italy, but the margin of defeat could have been greater, with Andrea Pirlo completely wrong-footing Joe Hart with a swerving free kick that hit the bar:

Image

Actually, Hart had moved even further to his right before the ball swerved:

Image

England lost their next game to Uruguay and were out, but it was all part of a greater master plan:

Image

 

Not long before the tournament, the English FA had outlined a series of recommendations to alter the structure of the domestic game, with a view to improving the fortunes of the national team; a tactic that had previously been be so successful with the formation of the Premier League. Here’s how I imagined they would react to this latest calamity:

Image

 

I forgot to draw Greg Dyke’s thumb in the last frame, but as long as I don’t point it out, I doubt anyone will notice.

England were undone in their second game by Luis Suarez, whom you may have heard, later took a bite out of the Italian defender Giorgio Chiellini and was kicked out of the tournament. Uruguay coach, Oscar Tabarez launched the case for the defence:

Image

Things got weirder as the Uruguayans made increasingly paranoid claims of persecution; blaming, among others, the British media for their cruel harassment of their saintly Luis. Where would it all end, I cried?

Image

 

Goodbye, Uruguay’s rose. Commemorative plates will be available by mail order later in time for Christmas (the won’t). Whilst this was bad news for Uruguay, it was celebrated at the meme head offices:

Image

Elsewhere, Mexico’s flamboyant coach, Miguel Herrera, was giving us all a smile with his touchline antics. I noticed in their first game against Cameroon that he is one of those people who can do really loud whistles without using his fingers. There isn’t much I wouldn’t trade to be able to do that.

Image

 

Well organised, that Mexico team. Brazil found this out as they held them to a goalless draw. Talking of Brazil, I’ve noticed a lot of this kind of thing whenever they are on TV:

Image

 

Over in Group E France started well, apparently scoring at will against Honduras and Switzerland. They put five past the Swiss, but the most memorable moment came when Cabaye volleyed the ball against the bar from close range as he followed up a saved penalty:

Image

 

Switzerland bounced back from that defeat with a convincing win over Honduras, with a hat-trick from Xherdan Shaqiri, a young man who has clearly been eating his greens:

Image

 

Honduras didn’t really add much to the tournament, but did have the best badge, consisting simply of a large blue “H”. If England take anything away from this World Cup, it’s that they should follow this example, ditching the three lions for this design:

Image

 

Portugal got off to a dreadful start, with a 4-0 defeat to Germany. Arguably the biggest star in world football, Cristiano Ronaldo, was apparently playing but had no noticeable impact:

Image

They never really recovered from that defeat and were pipped to second place by the United States, whose manager Jurgen Klinsmann appears to be both a good egg and a man who dresses like he has a weekend job in a sports fashion outlet:

Image

 

One of the surprise packages of the World Cup has been Algeria. Dreadful in 2010, they’ve turned up this time with more attacking intent and a large backing of boisterous fans. In the last round of matches of the group stage, they saw off Fabio Capello’s Russia. He wasn’t happy, but then again, is he ever?

Image

The best moment of the first round came when an Algerian substitute blasted the ball into the stands during stoppage time in that game. It made Luis Suarez appear like a paragon of subtlety:

Image

“Quick, Aleksei, we still have two minutes to get a winner”

“Nope” <PUNT!>

ha ha.

Second Round 

Into the knockout stage. Brazil edged out Chile after a penalty shoot-out, to the rapturous delight of the home crowd.

brazil fans0001

 

 

One of Brazil’s penalties was taken by Neymar. Here’s a helpful nine-step guide to enable you to take penalties like the Brazilian superstar:

neymar0001

Just kick it, mate. Brazil were joined in the quarter finals by the Netherlands, who scored two goals at the death to overcome Mexico. The winning goal came via a penalty, following a foul (just about) on Robben. Mexico didn’t take it well.

breakingbad0001

 

To get that cartoon, you really need to have seen the opening episode of Season 3 of Breaking Bad, specifically the bit where the two cartel twins crawl to the shrine. Yep, the best jokes are the ones that require both homework and lengthy explanations.

Germany needed extra time to get past Algeria. The highlight of the game came when the German players conspired to produce a memorably hopeless free kick. Straight from the training ground, this one:

muller0001

The United States were heroic in their slender defeat to Belgium, none more so than their goalkeeper Tim Howard, who broke the record for the number of saves in a World Cup match.

howard0001

The team’s efforts captured the imagination of the US public, with even the President getting into it:

obama0001

The second round was characterised by late drama, which made me wonder whether anyone had come a cropper doing this sort of thing:

ring road0001

 

To be fair, that ring road can be a ruddy nightmare.

Quarter Finals

Before each quarter final match, FIFA made the team captains read out anti-discrimination messages. Here, those important messages are translated for English readers:

discrimination0001Brazil employed both physical aggression and religion to beat Colombia, 2-1. David Luiz smacked in a free kick from miles out and then gave praise to a higher power:

luiz 20001

Colombia’s goalscorer, James Rodriguez had been the target for most of Brazil’s foul play, but it was he who pulled a goal back. As he ran back to the halfway line, cameras picked up that he had a disturbingly large insect sat on his arm:

Locust0001

 

The Netherlands beat Costa Rica on penalties, with Dutch coach Louis Van Gaal successfully pulling off a bold tactical intervention, bringing on a substitute goalkeeper for the shoot-out. Does this prove Arjen Robben’s theory about Van Gaal having a golden pee pee?

van gaal

 

Probably not very comfortable, that. Some other games happened too, but I only have one pair of hands and a regulation dinkle.

Semi-finals

Everyone was excited about the prospect of Brazil playing again. After all, they play like they are on the beach:

Samba!0001

However, against Germany they came up against a team who play like they are on a football pitch and got thrashed, 7-1. I think it’s fair to say that we all enjoyed that one.

brazil0001

 

The prayers of the Brazilian players clearly fell on deaf ears. This could explain why:

bundesjesus0001

The other semi-final, between the Netherlands and Argentina was less exhilarating. In fact, it could be placed alongside these other things as the very definition of dull:

dull0001

I’ve been on that rail replacement service and can personally vouch for its dullness. At this stage of the tournament, I thought we should take a moment to recognise the amount of personal effort we had all put in to watch the World Cup. A real level of commitment was required. You might want to print these badges off, cut them out, laminate them and wear them upon your blazer lapels, as appropriate:

badges0001

 

The Final – Germany 1 Argentina 0

And so, Germany overcame Argentina. Not a classic match, but World Cup finals rarely are. It was, however, hard fought. No-one battled harder than Bastian Schweinsteiger, who was unstoppable:

bastian0001

However, his opponent Javier Mascherano wasn’t far behind him:

masch0001

 

The biggest shock of the World Cup was that I didn’t draw a cartoon about Mascherano tearing his anus in Argentina’s semi-final win. Honestly, I didn’t know where to start. Another surprise was that Leo Messi was awarded the Player of the Tournament. However, when you consider the shortlist FIFA had drawn up, he probably deserved it:

golden ball0001

 

Most people agreed that Germany were the best team and deserved to take home the cup. I’ll sign off with this picture and see you all for some more cartoons in the new season. Congratulations, Deutschland!

leow0001